Will that be enough?

It’s wild to me that we claim to learn, be better and grow from previous relationships. In some ways we do, we learn how we don’t want to be treated. We also put up such high walls and expectations in order to get into another one because of the fear of getting hurt. Last night I had nightmares for the first time in months because I felt like I was silencing myself. That all these things I claimed to learn and grow from. I still can’t listen to myself. She breaks but leaves room for growth. Room for new things or temporary things. She wants us to know that no matter how beat up she is, she’s always still willing to love. That’s our purpose on this earth is to give love- that’s why our heart is so resilient but why it also needs love in return.

One thing I’ll call myself out for- is that I know I get scared. My heart has been hurt and my body has been lied to plenty of times that there is a wall so high that some of my friends don’t even know the whole truth. It’s a mess back there. No one needs to see that. But at the end of the day people do need to see the real you in order to love you- flaws and all.

I’m going to try to start being more open, taking my bricks down one by one with people who know and care about me because then when someone comes up that is stressful or someone I don’t want to hurt- we can both come up knowing more information instead of me worrying about what they will think of me.

Being hurt so many times before I never want to hurt someone. Getting someone sick and hurting them are fears that I don’t take lightly. Probably the OCD a bit…

I think trusting people and their intentions based on my trauma is also so hard for me. People who were supposed to love and care for me took advantage of me before I could even understand what was happening. And healing from that is so heavy on my heart, still to this day.

All I know is - no matter what happens all I can do is try my best to be honest with myself, make sure I am listening to myself and all the rest will fall into place.

Maybe I’ll never feel like I’m enough- but I may as well try!