My lowest

This is such an interesting journal prompt. When I was at my lowest, what kept me alive.

Well there are different versions of me who have been at their own lowest right. I will not talk about anything too triggering in this, but there needs to be the truth in this as well. There will be talks of suicide and other mental health struggles.

My first lowest I can remember and can speak to about is my suicide attempt and what I was going through around that. I have been self harming for months at that time and really unsure what else to do. I felt that I was invisible, worthless, and not only lonely, but that I was alone. Sometimes I still feel alone to this day, no one to really anchor to.

What kept me alive? It is really hard to say my friend Jenn really helped me navigate that point in my life. I was struggling a lot with my body, how it looked, and I was not taking very good care of it. My sister, Liz, was someone I wanted to live for. I was embarrassed that she was so young having to hear me experience the mental torture that I was going through. I know it gave her the thought that self harm and negative thought patterns, not the cause, society did that- but I know she saw me doing it and my scars and that had to have had some influence.

She is what keeps me going a lot of the time. We had a weird relationship for a couple of years and I am grateful to be back to having her as my bestie again.

My next version of myself who hit a low would be my high school me. She was struggling to find belonging still, and when she thought she found it, she was so insecure in it that it made her feel like she had to change everything about herself to feel any kind of love. She felt like she had to create drama to get people to spend time with her or to be loved. Her parents showed her that.

That version of myself had a low as well, a lot of self harm, too much alcohol. I was miserable, sleeping during the day, staying up all night, drinking 3-4 times a week. I lost interest in my favorite sports, I lost interest in drawing and art. I was a shell of myself. That is when I lost my true personality trying to find a way to feel love from someone else, I lost myself in them.

What kept me alive during that time? Hope that I once I was able to leave my dad's house that I would find myself again. Hope that there was more out there for me than my "small town". A goal, was what really kept me going. I wanted to be a physical therapist, helping people with preventative care and get their bodies to function in the best way, with no pain. I had a lot of knee pain at the time and I wanted for no one to struggle with what I did. My legs grew a lot faster than my tendons could take and I had a lot of inflammation. Both a perfect mix for joint pain.

The next version of me who hit rock bottom was college me, she hit it twice I think, once freshman year when she did not allow herself to break free from her high school self and one version of her who got concussed. I was drinking a handle of alcohol every 2-3 days, and it was not the nice stuff, my stomach was rotting, I wasn't eating, which made me not do well in school or my classes. I got my first college D and it sank me. I was always decent at school, it came pretty naturally for me until my depression hit, then I kind of lost a lot. College it made me change my major, twice. From Biology on the track to physical therapy to microbiology on the track for genetics to Public Health.

I love my degree, what I learned, but I can tell that I always wanted more out of my education. I wanted to help people every day and I am stuck online all day now. I am not saying that I am not doing good work, my impact is just not what I wanted it to be.

What kept me alive during that rock bottom? My friends, Bo Jones, and honestly the thought that I could work with tribal nations to help with their mental health, getting back to their heritage and aligning with their cultural goals.

The next rock bottom that I hit was a couple years ago. I was having panic attacks what felt like daily, I was so insecure, lost, stressed and really struggling with everything that came my way.

Therapy got me through that, talking to my mom again and affirming what had truly happened in my past and coming to terms with that. My relationship with my partner at the time was really struggling, and it continued to struggle. I will take ownership of that, I did not help in a lot of ways; however, once I saw how I could make a change- I did. That is the issue, not both of us decided to make the changes that we talked about. I started to grow into the beautiful person I am today, more aligned with my highest self than ever, and he was stuck in numbing and misalignment with himself.

I hope he is starting to heal, truly, I always will want what is best for him. He deserves it.

The hope for a love that felt easy, a life that I enjoyed and a body that could take care of me. That is what kept me alive and what still does to this day. I have a lot on my mind always lately about what my future may hold, but why rush it? Time will only move as it can so take each moment to savor it. Be aligned with yourself and focus on doing the things that make you the happiest.

You deserve the world, go get it!