Selfish Improvement

TRIGGER WARNING: Death by suicide

A lot of people talk about how empowering healing is, even I have been guilty of this because for the first time in my life I am genuinely happy! Since I stopped drinking, and healed my mental health to a point where my body knows that it is safe and not in fight or flight- I am a whole new person. Your physical body will tell you how it feels with the benefits of not having cortisol or your central nervous system finally being calm. That once you are healed life can be so different and peaceful. The thing that people tend to hide is how selfish healing can be, or at least how selfish it can feel.

When it comes to feeling selfish, that is not a feeling that I often feel. I like to give more than I get & when I am given more than I need- I like to share that with others. Within my recent healing journey I had the opportunity to heal so selfishly that I thought the others who experienced the trauma with me were healed too. I visually saw myself take them out of the trauma and tuck them into their beds so they were safe and no longer having to live in that nightmare. I knew I could not leave them there and I wanted to badly for them all to feel safe and protected.

In my head- since they were all tucked back into bed, they were safe and healing like me. One of the people reached out to me and were struggling with a relationship that is close to them. I talked to them about how emotional and physical intimacy is hard for people who have been through things that we have been through. That people like us need to feel safe in our bodies in order to be able to be honest with people and ourselves. There are our younger selves trapped in a basement with a bright light on us. We were constantly being critiqued and commanded. There is no building of self confidence, self esteem or trust with your own body when you are not in control like that.

Luckily for me, selfishly, I am out of there. So all I can tell this person is to talk to someone about it- go to therapy. I know exactly what you went through and I can empathize with you. Since I am no longer controlled by it though I cannot be stuck with you in the mud anymore. I love you and I hope that you are able to get unstuck.

START OF TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH BY SUICIDE

There is another person who I had always thought about, never reached out to because of our families it was a bit taboo for us to talk and so we all kind of just avoided each other.

There was a girl who I remember tucking her back into bed- in my head- she was safe, she was no longer hurting, she was finally free from the demons of our shared past.

I got a text message from my sister that this person was no longer with us. She died by suicide. The persons sister had said

"You fought a courageous battle against depression, I hope you are without pain now...I wish I could have taken your pain away from you."

I could not believe it. I was so sure that I was able to send healing energy and that she was safely back in her bed. Not experiencing the trauma anymore. I did not know her enough to know about anything else she may have been battling with, there were other factors that most likely were at play- I am not trying to assume anything about her.

END OF TIGGER WARNING

Selfishly I thought that because I was healing so were these other people in my life. That was not the case. Healing is such a selfish journey. It can be very lonely at times because you lose people. You have to let some people go. You spend a lot more time with yourself and figuring out who you are and what makes you truly happy.

Choosing yourself is one of the hardest things to do, at least for me it was. I still have days where I want to have someone decide everything for me so I can go back to not making the decisions. Then I remember how much I love to just have my own peace. Choosing what I want to do, when I want to do it. Bees knees man.

Healing is selfish improvement. Point blank. It is the selfishness that we need in this world thought. We need people to choose themselves, their happiness and their peace. There is so much hate going around in the world due to people not choosing themselves and then they are mad at other people when they do choose themselves, they choose peace, when they do what they actually want to do and do not live in fear.

Have to drop a puck for Scott Hunter's ( François Arnaud) role in Heated Rivalry. Not only was he letting his fear control him- but he let it hurt him as well. Once winning the cup and telling himself that he accomplished his goals, he knew he did not want to do that alone. He was able to finally be himself and you can see the hurt and anger fade away as he allows himself to let go of the fear.

We all do what we want at the end of the day. We can be pressured or coming from a place of authenticity. I encourage you to come from a place of authenticity, always. You will love more of what you do when you come from a place of love and your authentic self. Choose healing and choose to be selfish sometimes. It will allow you to become a better version of yourself when you are coming from a place of love.