oh the burden of family

I know the title is dramatic, and I definitely can be at times so humor me.

What is something I wish I could say to my parents... this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. With therapy, my brother and his wife having a child soon, family has been something that is really at the top of my mind lately.

In therapy yesterday, I talked a lot about how I do not have a sense of belonging in my family- that it makes me feel alone in my every day life due to that. I have kind of always felt like I was alone. My family was constantly pulling all of us kids apart where we could not really develop the relationships that most siblings have the honor to have. I know every family is different and not everyone is close with their siblings.

At this stage in my life I would say I am close to some of my siblings. Some of my siblings are younger than me- still in school age and sometimes the age makes that relationship feel a little distant. I cannot always let them know what is happening, what I am doing or different things that I am doing with my life. I do not love them any less, I feel like they do not know the whole me yet.

To my mom

I know there was always a lot of thoughts and feelings around our relationship together. If I could say something to you - it would be something pretty simple. I forgive you, I am glad that we are back connected in our lives and thank you for being patient with me.

There is a lot about that woman that I will never understand, and I do not think I want to even try to, to be honest. Somethings that I hear about her or things that she does will confuse me, but it isn't my life. Why try to control someone else and their actions. I can have my thoughts and opinions but I will not judge. I will try to understand more of who you are to help my inner child heal.

Relationships with mothers are always so tricky. We were with them since they were born, well, parts of us were. We experience all their emotions, traumas, and life with them until we are born. Then we separate, experiencing the world from our bodies and not theirs anymore. We can see what is happening, and experience the emotions ourselves.

I've had dreams about my moms traumas before and experienced them as though I was healing them in my body. I have talked to her about some of them. My family are pretty vivid dreamers and so this is not a new conversation for us. I am glad I can help heal in whatever way she and my body needs.

to my dad

This is something that I have been processing for quite a few days. His birthday is coming up and we have hardly talked over the last 8ish months. I am very content with the experience and I am grateful for the space. I do not know if I am ready to give that up. The only reason why I feel pressure is due to the family growing, and I am the only one putting that pressure on myself.

I want to feel comfortable being around my family. My therapist told me that I can stay true to my boundaries and simultaneously be around someone who has caused me harm. I need to listen to my body and follow what it is telling me feels safe and go with that.

If there is something I could say to you it would be a lot more heavy than what I'd say to mom. Dad, honestly I lived most of my lives trying to feel good enough to receive love from you. I am content knowing now that it will never be in the way I receive love and that is not my fault. I have been pretty forward with people on what I need from them and from you- I do not think I really need anything. Most of our relationship growing up was what you needed from me. You always had something that you wanted from me and you got it because I was way too afraid to say no, way too afraid to stand up for myself.

Once I started standing up for myself I started to feel more connected to myself. Then having the distance added into it, I do not feel like I am walking on coals around people anymore, I can be myself and haven't been trying to people please anymore.

I am saying no to things that I don't want to do, not centering my life around work and trying to find a partner who actually understands me, not someone who would have your approval or would make you angry or anything surrounding you. For the first time in my life I am focused on me and not on you.

It is one of the most beautiful things that I have done for myself was to let you go. Once I did that, I was able to let go of other things that were making me put up my walls. Things that we making me hang out behind the curtain.

It is time to demolish that wall. Move the curtain. It can be scary to be authentic and myself but it is safer to be myself than to life to make sure you feel like you are enough.

In summary, I am not sorry for the space. I needed this more than you could ever know. I am so much happier with having you at a distance. There was so much of my life where I thought my role in life was to take care of you, make sure that you were happy (although I can't remember the last time I've seen you genuinely sober and happy). That isn't my responsibility though, it never should have been.

I should have been allowed to be a kid. You took a lot from me, but I have been able to take it all back. I am never letting you have that again.

oh boy, can we end this blog post?

To conclude- relationships with family can be tricky. Do whatever feels safest and true to you and your body. Find people outside of your family who make you feel understood, and safe. Family only means something both people are putting effort in the relationship to make the other feel seen and safe.

the burden of family is in your mind, you NEVER have to talk to someone, see somone or love them just because they are family. People earn and deserve your love, it is not their right because they "brought you into this world" or "gave you a home and a bed".

Respect yourself and your needs. I love you.