The fear attached to moving through grief

AH.. I know today will be a heavy post. Dreading writing for the first time today. I do have a lot of grief on my plate. I will be water and let the emotions flow through me. In order to let go, I have to acknowledge what I am struggling with.

The lesson of today is to stop running from grief, so this post is about looking it dead in the eyes and telling it exactly how it made me feel. How life has made me feel.

To the hurt.

You sit heavy on my chest a lot of the time. I feel as though you are weighing me down. I feel you the most when I am trying to become more of my new self. I feel myself pulling back exactly when I typically do. To not let that wall down, to be the surface self in order to appear unhurt.

Yesterday I tried to play with you a bit, to see if you were willing to let go. I wish you would have. I found myself seconding guessing due to you. Hurt, what makes you want to stay around?

I feel you the most when I am trying to become more of my new self. You are the part of the snake skin that has to be rubbed off against a rock, or a stump. What will allow you to fully let go?

To the hurt- I am letting you go. Against my better judgment, I am releasing the hurt from the past. Moving through these stages of grief and allowing myself to open up.

To the denial.

I was in denial for quite some time, that I was not hurting. That I was enjoying my life, wanting to experience everything that you had to offer. Converting, predicting and ensuring that you were happy without even thinking about myself. I am not blaming you- I am in full control of my wrong.

I was in denial that I was focusing on you. Forgetting about me and what I want. What I need. I continuously tried to predict what you needed. Forgetting that I was even someone. This is all on me. I was in denial.

To the anger.

I bounced to anger a lot. oh boy did you make me angry. I can see this in other relationships sometimes. Not the same kind of anger that you were able to bring out in me. I think it was because you made me feel insignificant. I know I am magnificent.

Alcholol never helped us though did it. It made me depressed, and think about where I was in lack. Where we were in lack. Lack of love. I always was pouring my cup into you. You had a hard time pouring back into me. It "wasn't what you were used to". Funny way to say you did not want to try to make me feel loved in the ways that I feel loved.

That is where the anger stemmed from. Feeling misunderstood, small, and those things together make a lion feel backed into a corner. I will not let someone treat me like that without hearing the roar.

You heard it quite a bit, I heard yours right back. Why were you always willing to protect everyone but me?

To the bargaining.

I wanted so badly for us to be the end game. I bargained and begged for us to be what I needed. Can you blame me? I was comfortable, in a home that finally felt like home for the first time in forever. I would have done anything you wanted. I did do anything you wanted to feel that we were meant for each other.

I converted baseball teams, I went to therapy to ensure that if we had children I wouldn't hurt them in the same ways that I was hurt by my parents. Then we fell apart.

I started to bargain with myself because I missed me more than I missed you. I bargained so hard for you, I was so patient with you. I begged for you to choose me, for you to choose yourself. We weren't worth it. You wanted to be stuck in whatever you felt like you wanted to numb with.

To the depression.

You are a familiar friend that I don't like spending time with. Depression is someone who has been with me since I was roughly 10 years old. They ensure that I stayed the same, in bed, moping about all the things that I cannot change.

I never considered my attitude and how that impacts me and my day. Until our depression. I did not want to be that person. Around everyone else I was optimisic and hopeful.

Around you I slowly started to lose my future. Until one day I saw a future without you in it and then the depression started slipping away. I still see them every now and then, but now they are more a distant friend that I talk about and talk through with myself and then they are on their way.

The depression that we had was something that I am so grateful to have lost. There was so much good in us, until there wasn't. Once our love switched back from romantic to platonic was when we found ourselves again. That is where we are our best selves.

To the acceptance.

Oh acceptance, you toy with me don't you. Some days I feel that I couldn't be happier. Some days I feel content. Within those days of content I struggle. Especially when someone new is trying to break down my walls.

Those feel so safe. Inside my walls. I can see them in my head. I am safe here and want to stay within here. I found acceptance in here. I need to knock these down though. I can teel the tension they are building around me.

It is starting with me- I can feel that I am losing my authenticity when I have my walls up. I want so badly to have this wrecking ball come in and just crash into them. There feels like such a big risk in the pain again. Hitting all of these forms of grief again.

Part of me wonders if that is the point, to put yourself out there to be sure that you can experience all the highs and all the lows.

To the coward.

I know I am a coward. I am the lion from the wiz, the wizard of oz, wicked, I am looking for my courage. In order to find it, I need to break down my own walls. Remind myself that I am safe in my body, I am in control of what I tell people and what I am willing to do.

There is one moment that I keep going back to in my mind. The safest I've felt. My authentic self. My lovely happy self. One of the best compliments that I have received in a long time. I think about it a lot. That someone can see me for exactly what I want to be. Without knowing the pain that comes behind it. What I have been able to grow from.

That is where the grief cycle starts all over again. That is when my walls feel more safe. Does someone else deserve to know me like that again?

Only time will tell if the risk is better than the alternative. For now- I am letting go of the grief to make space for what comes next. After multiple pulls of the death card, I know I am ready for something new. This cycle to be completed. To ensure that I am ready for this new cycle. Wherever it may lead me. I cannot wait to see where I can be once these walls come down, real soon.