RUNNING

There are times in my life when I feel like I am stuck in two different spaces. There are things about my life that make me feel I am ready to be this whole new version of myself - I am ready to take these brave steps. There are other days when my thoughts consume me completely, and I get stuck in a situation I am no longer in, but a part of me still feels stuck.

Then music comes to me. NF is an artist that I really appreciate. He talks about the struggles of OCD, trauma, and what life feels like once you realize you are out of that, but part of you still feels stuck because not everything is out in the world yet. Sometimes I want to protect myself by not telling people my whole truth; other times, I want nothing more than for people to know my truth so I don't have to sit alone with it.

On the way back from Chicago, I had a lot of thinking to do, stuck between different thoughts and ideas. So naturally, I go to music. I turned on "RUNNING" & "LEAVE ME ALONE," alternating on repeat.

RUNNING- I am no interested in givin' you more of my life...

I love you but not enough to allow you to continue to drown the both of us...

Don't wanna leave, but that's just what I need - I ain't got no choice, I can't just let you deceive and make me believe that I don't deserve to be loved, I am not gonna stand aside and watch you attempt to rib and steal and sabotage what little faith I have left, yeah - Haven't I sacrificed enough for you?...

How do I explain what this means to me? This is what I am running away from. Running away from the people who made me not feel good enough, away from people who made me sacrifice every part of myself because they weren't happy with who they were, so they wanted me to try and bring them happiness. I sacrifice myself for people who need me and remove my own happiness to ensure that they feel secure, and it takes away what I am able to give to the world.

I woke up random day and realized I was the happiest I have ever been. In a new space - just being myself. Singing whenever I wanted to, having my random spurts of energy and dancing. Not everyone I can let in to be that version of myself, and I think that is because the people who made me feel that it wasn't me are people who represented something that I try to hide.

With OCD, most people think I have attention to the little details, I have issues with germs, and need to do something a specific number of times. Luckily that isn't me; however, mine is more consuming in my mind and about my body - what I put into it, what I do, or what I say. This is most likely due to my root cause being related to my body and not being able to have any control over it. Adults, man...

So I obsess and ruminate, and I have weird eating habits, and there is so much of me that is weird. Explaining my little quirks to people tends to make them a little worse. I will tick and tell myself those ticks helped so that I have some comfort in thinking I have some control in this world we live in.

LEAVE ME ALONE- Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well. gather 'round that means I obsessively obess on things I think about. That means I might take a normal thought and think it's so profound (Leave me alone)

Ruminating, filled balloons full of doubts...

Hold up balloons and cover up my face, I can feel them weighing on me every day. I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away but I'm scared if I do then i'll be more afraid

If you know someone with OCD, give this song a little listen and you'll hopefully be able to understand them just a bit more. NF refers to his thoughts and doubts that he puts into balloons. I call them my "demon babies." They float around me, not like the devil on my shoulder; this is something that, no matter what I do or say, even if I am not asking for advice, they give me their thoughts.

Mine stem from my parents and my younger version of myself who was scared. Through EMDR therapy and Amino Acid therapy (shout out to Therapist Jenn), they have been dampening or sometimes not even there.

Then what am I if I don't have my demon babies? Am I just my own thoughts? It has been an interesting experience learning about having solely conscious thought. Through meditating, I've been able to connect to my higher self and work on processing more, not making rash decisions, and trying to figure out what I truly want, to go at the pace I want, do what I think is best, and what I want to do.

That may mean big decisions will take me a couple of days, but I know this is true: I won't have regrets when I am taking my time to truly listen to myself.

Take big changes, even if you are scared or not sure if you are ready. Communicate with those around you, explore. Most importantly, never forget to come back to yourself. Stay grounded enjoy who you are and live for yourself, at the end of the day- you are the only one who will be with you always.

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