The Duality of Ambition: Are You More Hamilton or Burr in Your Life?

Do you ever feel like Alexander Hamilton? With the 10th anniversary of Hamilton being this year, it has made me really think about how some days I am Hamilton and some days I am Burr.

Talk less. Smile more. Don't let them know what you are against or what you are for...

I like to think I am more of an observer in my habitat before I let down my wall and let people in. I tend to want to make a great impression on people, have them see something they like in me, and then I can be my true self. It is tough to just listen and smile when I am sometimes hiding what my true feelings are. I have been diligently working on not letting that get to me.

I am not throwing away my shot

As a young entrepreneur, the stress and pressure of constantly having to be good enough, being on the clock more often than I charge because I do not think people are willing to pay for my skillset due to my age. That I am not worth a higher paycheck. The more I see my work in the real world, the more I know that is not true. I am great at what I do, I can do it in a quick turnaround time because I am good at it. Websites to me are just creating art, digital art that is functional.

I do not want to throw away the amazing skillset that I have and not get paid what I deserve for it. I may be a bit more on the clean and more user-friendly end; however, that does not mean that if you are a client who wants something FUN & DIFFERENT - I am still your girl!

Why do you write like you are running out of time?

Writing like you are running out of time, or more so working. Trying not to allow yourself to sit in the piece and ensuring that you are constantly surrounded by something or someone to ensure that you do not have to sit in the quiet.

I write these blog posts, notes to myself, checklists and redo those same notes. Just to get all my thoughts out. A lot of the time I am writing things down just to connect with myself and to remember what happened, what is something that I want to do and honestly just to get my thoughts out.

Ever since I was younger, I kept diaries and journals to get my thoughts out. If you know much about me - you know that life growing up did not allow me to express my true voice for quite some time.

I had a friend in high school named Catherine who got me into poetry - hers was eloquent and deep. I tried to dig deep but I was so numb that I couldn't unlock that feeling within myself. I was lying to myself on what was true and what wasn't. I had very deep emotional battles going on and was just continuing to push it down.

It's Quiet Uptown

Once I started healing, I wanted quiet - peace and solitude. I am more interested in camping, being out in the wilderness, finding the peace and quiet. I find myself being envious when friends go out and do things like that. I did not really camp much with my family growing up. A friend of mine took me with her family quite a few times and I loved it.

Finding the joy in the quiet.

When traveling recently - I loved to go to bed to the sound of bugs and frogs in all of their business. In the morning, being woken up by roosters shouting & birds. Being in the heart of my city right now, I often hear plenty of sirens, yelling and cars going way too fast, honking, etc. It is tiring and something that I am looking forward to escaping from. I love being close to stores, groceries, all the activities that get included in that. It is a fine line of both of those things.

I grew up being able to listen to the quiet. I think it is something that I loved about my childhood and that I am craving in my healing journey. To go back to myself.

Who lives, who dies, who tells your story

Although, I am not old enough to truly be considering who will tell my story and what my story will truly be; however, each day truly is a gift. We do not have the guarantee. With a recent death in my family, it really got me thinking about what I want my story to be.

Costar always jokes with me that I will write a memoir, that is kind of what this is right?

All we can do as people is be kind to one another, fight against the injustice that is happening around us, learn and grow each day. I am working every day to fight against my generational trauma and am breaking it for my family cycle. After that, who knows what the next injustice will be. With this climate - all we can do is fight for our fellow humans to be sure that we are all seen as equals. Human. No matter where we were born, what we look like, who we love, or how much money we make.

We all deserve to be treated as humans.

I hope we are able to change the narrative of White Rage in this country. It is the foundation of the issues in our country. Navigating all the change right now is something that should be bringing us all together - to fight for democracy and for all people to be treated equally. Keep fighting, keep believing in the change. The more of us who believe that the change is coming, the better the outcome will be for those of us who are ready for true peace in this country.