Digging within for Worth

Todays prompt is about worth. Who's made you question your worth? Why did you let them?

Journal Prompt #72 Who's made you question your worth? Why did you let them?

This question is so loaded I honestly do not know where to begin.

Self-worth is something that I have been working on for what feels like my entire life to achieve. From what I can remember, I was always compared to my siblings, other people's expectations, and a whole boatload of things. I know we all experience this growing up, well, some of us. I started to experience anxiety from overstimulation at a very young age, being worried that I was not good enough, and even not anticipating others' needs quickly enough that I would go right into a panic. I was scared that people were going to hate me, say mean things to me, or simply tell me that I was not right, not good enough, so many things.

I know a lot of these feelings are triggered by my big T trauma, and it was a battle while trying to grow up with this whole chaotic life happening around me.

ANYWAY!

A lot of people have made me question my worth, starting with my father. He is one that I continuously go back to when I am in my fear thoughts. I can still tell that when I do some specific things, I can hear his voice in my head making me second guess or question my worth. Do I deserve this good thing? Am I worthy of love? Can I really make money by just doing my own thing? Am I enough?

I could go on, but you get the point.

I think because growing up you look to your parents for unconditional love, and when you get such conditional love, it really makes you feel like you have to work so hard for love that when you make a mistake, you do not deserve it. I let them make me question my worth because that is all I knew. I only knew conditional love and thought that I had to earn love.

This has caused me to let a lot of people make me question my worth. Most people, actually. If you have spent time with me, you can physically see people impacting my self-worth in the past.

I have some actual examples of me out having fun with friends, wondering why am I not worthy? Why did I not deserve to be important to someone? So many more worries of why I was not worth something instead of thinking their loss—I am great & I know that. I think for me, a lot of the time, if people are unwilling to love me unconditionally for being my authentic self, I am a silly, goofy girlie, and I know that. I know I can be a lot for some people, and I am not everyone's cup of tea. I do not need to be either.

After setting boundaries with people and allowing myself to not be impacted by others' thoughts of me, I truly have begun to blossom. Not allowing other people's thoughts about me to impact me, it is more about how they feel about themselves than how they feel about me. People's actions as well, they say so much more about them than they say about me. Their actions are more about how they feel about themselves than what they feel about me.

At the end of the day we all crave connection, love, community and to be able to be our authentic self with those around us. We all deserve to be our best selves. When you dig within yourself for your worth, you are able to find the true meaning of unconditional love. You learn to love the little you, the you that needed you growing up, the emotional teen you, the rebellious you, the you of today, the future you. Every part of you deserves to be loved and forgiven. You did not know everything that you know today back then. You needed to experience those things to be the you that you are today.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. You are the best and most important person in your life. Find home in yourself. Dig those roots down so deep that no one can pull you out of yourself. Sing and dance in public. Be the you that you love. The raw, authentic you is the you that you deserve to be always.