15 minutes with you

I think this one is an interesting prompt, because it is purely hypothetical and of course part of me believes that I would be able to talk to them about anything.

That is the thing that I am learning more about myself in general, I am not really an open book. I am more like a mysterious cave that someone needs to be brave enough to explore.

Once you decide you want to enter the cave, you need a good supply of light, because there is quite a bit of darkness, and maybe bring some tools. There is definitely some damage that has happened and my structural integrity needs to be rebuilt. I can do it myself, but that isn't going to help me to trust others, that will continue to build up the pile of rocks that are building a wall, keeping the treasure that is me locked away.

You need to be willing to be patient, ask questions, and take down rocks at a time. I may have days where there are little quakes that knock a bunch of rocks down and other days where no matter what you do, not rocks will budge. This is something I recognize within myself and is something that I am taking an active stance on working on.

It isn't easy, letting people in, for me. I have been hurt by people who were supposed to be there for me, unconditionally. I let the hurt that I experienced in the past still impact me to this day, because I am so terrified that it will happen again. Once I am able to let you in, you will be able to see all the mushy parts of me. You will experience all the emotions that I go through, hopefully along side me and not against me.

I need a safe place to feel these emotions in order for me to continue to let you in. If I feel as though I am not able to express anything, then I go back into my shell and deeper, it gets more difficult for me to come out.

Please know that I want you to know who I am. I crave emotional connection so deeply and that it is something that is so important to me. I do have fear that I am damaged and that people will see that and run. The damage that is there are mostly things outside of my control. I am not perfect, I know that.

My past selves have their own shining moments and shame. I do hide a lot of the shameful moments because I want to be seen as perfect, always. I am worries that without that I will not be loved. That is on me to fix, and it is getting better. I think the more time I spend with people who show unconditional love, the more that I understand I do not have to be perfect.

I think part of my fears come from other people judging the things that I have said to others. I used to get criticized about what I say to people and I think it bugged me because I thought that was the "perfect" response and now I am second guessing a lot of what I say.

So, soulmate, thank you for understanding that I am complex and half full of fear to be my real self. I hope that you will be able to experience me authentically and for exactly who I am. It may take some time and work, but she is worth it. I am always here for others, and I need to learn to be here for myself too.