A letter to Christine

Hello Mom,

When you were 27 turning 28 you were a couple years into your marriage, had your first kid and living in Milwaukee. Funny, that is one thing we have in common at this age. Loving the big city of Milwaukee. I am sure it is so different now than it was when you lived here.

I've been to Wolskis, never closed it down- alcohol was not good for me. You don't drink now either. I wonder if you would have stopped at my age. It is more common for people to not now.

I wonder what you are going through mentally. How is being a mom? Nate is probably just turned 2 in March. I bet you love that your birthdays are around each others. I hope you know that man turns out to be amazing, all of your children do. We all are so different and so fun. We all go through a bit of hardship, and you are there for us unconditionally. I want you to know that the separation that you and I have is a trauma response that I have to an abuser. I was lost in the confusion of inconsistency and thought that I needed structure when the structure turned out to hurt me more. Please do not blame yourself, we find our way back to each other.

Do you ever think about what it would be like to travel the world? I so badly want to see everything. Grandma told me lately that grandpa wanted to travel around in a van and see the world like I do. That is the most connected I ever felt to him. To be like Stevie and travel all around being a monk and being in nature.

There is this movie that Liz and I love to watch called Barbie- the Princess and the Pauper. I always felt like the Pauper, not wanting anything fancy. To be free of debt (my soul is free of debt now), and then she gets to experience what it is like to be a princess for a bit, falls in love but she doesn't give up her dreams for this man. She stays true to herself. She sings all around the world and then looks down at the ring he gave her, and she decides that she is ready to come home. She saw what she needed to see and had the freedom to always leave again if she needed. That is what I am looking for in my next relationship. Someone who I can always be myself with, I can go and be exactly who I am, travel alone when I want to and to have someone to come home to.

I have been talking about in therapy that I feel alone. Not lonely, but alone meaning that I have no safe place to rest my feelings. This is not the easiest thing to process and it has taken me a little over a month to not cry when I think about it. I think that is partially because I am finding more of ways to find home within myself. My bedroom right now is a safe space for me- even though I need to be better about me feeling all the emotions, not just the positive ones.

How do you handle it all? Being a mom, working, being in a relationship. I could hardly do it with pets- let alone a child and I know I have been through more therapy and processing. Maybe that is where I need to let go a bit, not worry about healing so much but worry more about living.

I hope you remember that you are an incredible woman who cares so much about people. You work so hard so that others around you can have a lighter load. I hope you learn to let other people help carry the load, you do not need to do all the heavy lifting.

To the woman you are today too, mom, she is so helping and kind. You are a little wacky still, don't get me wrong. Some of the things you say and do I cannot help but laugh. You are authentically you and I am so happy to see you happy.

You have 6 beautiful children and one grandchild! I hope that doesn't make you feel too old. I love you and hope you continue to choose yourself. Your strength to leave dad helped me to leave a relationship that I was not happy in either. We left for different reasons, but we fought too. We had our issues and at the end of the day he wasn't my person. He did not push me to be my best. I am so much happier now and know that when I find someone else, they need to meet me where I am at. I am not going to lower my vibrations down to where they are to see if we fit.

Christine, you will do great things, keep your head up. Choose yourself and remember that you have a life to live too. Get out there and live it!